epiphany

buddie19, Calgary AB

I didn’t learn how destructive the self destruction was until more trauma. My brother had a lot of history with trauma. From abuse when he was a kid to a broken back from a fall while framing a roof. All these things drove him to substance abuse. He was never able to get his thoughts into a good place, at least not deep down to the core. He ended up being one of my first inspirations in my personal journey. If the mind is powerful enough to take you to a place of self-destruction and your body ultimately shuts down (he died from a massive heart attack), why can’t it do the opposite? Why can’t it lift you up? That thought was a spark, one of the most important sparks in my life. It’s taken 9 years, but I’ve changed my self-destructive thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I still get annoyed, frustrated, mad, but it’s fleeting. It’s a moment of emotion, a moment of release, a moment of natural feeling. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a release of stress. A few seconds, maybe a minute. And then I see the blue skies, the mountains, a sunrise that seems to never end, a chinook arch, Christmas lights, remember a proud Dad, husband, or friend moment. Whatever it is, it brings a smile to my (inner) face that’s hard to get rid of. Those moments of joy. Those glimmers. They take seconds to make me feel good. Its taken nearly 10 years to retrain my thoughts. But wow, what a difference it makes.