some old guy

I am 67 years old. 
I have struggled with mental illness since my teenage years.
I was not diagnosed with Clinical Depression until I was in my late 50’s.
I take medication now to help.
Almost 4 years ago I woke up at 3am with cold sweats and was shaking. I tried to calm myself down but it did not work. I felt the whole of my little world was collapsing in on me. I lay there struggling until 7am, when I usually got up and prepared for the day. I asked my wife to cancel my appointments for the day as I was “not feeling well” (I lied!). By 3pm nothing had changed, so we bundled me up an went to the nearest Emergency Department. After may hours of waiting, being questioned, waiting, worrying, I was allowed to check myself into the mental health ward. Sitting in that prison-like room on the ward that night was the lowest point of a rollercoaster life………BUT, that in retrospect was the best decision I ever made! 
As a quite typical male I had always tried to “keep going” and had not shared most of my issues or sought help – DO NOT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE, PLEASE!!
Checked myself out after 5 days, and while there was still a war to be waged, I felt much clearer about my issues and options.
I was at the time running a business, and trying (hoping) to make it through covid. I was recovering from surgery, the recovery went much longer than expected (or promised). I contracted Covid twice and almost killed myself (literally) trying to keep on keeping on. My daughter was having her first child and had experienced a horrible pregnancy (and subsequent birth), all is well now thankfully with her. It was at this time the genius in me decided to stop taking my medication……..hence my mind and body just telling me “you won’t listen, so we are shutting you down!”
What I learned:
• Do not suffer alone without reaching out for help. Yes there is a stigma about mental health……we are embarrassed to seem weak etc. Swallow your pride and ask. If I had not asked I do not know how the situation would have turned out.
• It is up to you! The best thing a psychologist at the hospital said to my wife and myself was (mostly to my wife) “he has to do it for himself, do not try to do it for him”.
• Work on yourself every day. I cannot let my guard slip and go back into the critical self-talk that I used to fill my days with. As soon as old thoughts emerge I drive them out of my mind with things that are better and more positive.
• If your past was crap, don’t reflect on it. Now is the only time that really matters, make it through, this hour, this challenge, this day, and start again anew.
My struggle is not over. I still take my medication, I still have times of crushing doubt and negativity. But overall my quality of life is better now than I can ever remember it – I am mostly positive, I am calm, I am grateful……..life does not get any easier, but my ability to face it has increased so much this past almost 4 years.
July 19th 2001: The worst day and the best day of my life all rolled into one.
Please, get help if you need it!